forgive & let go

"forgive yourself that you did not choose an easier path. forgive yourself for not handling it all better, for feeling like you let others down. the path is not done, the road is not finished, why are you trying so hard to rush the whole thing? celebrate the fact that your story has some major departures."

-  the wild and wily ways of a brunette bombshell

that quote seriously could not have come at a better time. thanks meg.


this post has been a long time in the making- if that makes sense.

i've been extra lost & sad lately.
i have decided to quit my counseling program.

i have dedicated the last two years to this program (and trust me, they were not an easy two years) and i only have a year left until i (would have) graduated.

truthfully, i feel as if a part of me has died. 
tonight i am especially sad about it because i was reminded by a certain situation of how i felt after my undergrad graduation: anticipation, hopeful, excitement, new beginnings. only, these last two years have been almost the opposite. loneliness, depression, disappointment, anxiety, low self-esteem, lost, confused, hopeless.
these last two weeks have been filled with emails, visits to other cities, programs, jobs, and so forth to try and make sense of these last two years and where i am headed now. of course, i am only more lost.
i'm tired of perking up everytime i hear someone talk about their career anxious to find out more about what they do, and maybe what i would like too. i'm tired of the late nights spent on onet. i'm tired of researching programs, emailing program directors, and meeting important people. i'm tired of thinking about going to yet another day of school the next day to face my failure all over again. and i'm mostly tired of myself, that i cant be thankful for everything that i do have- which is everything. but damn, this is not how i thought my life would go. i will be 25 in august. 25 and clueless and nowhere.
at least i have a life to live. 

i think i need to print out that quote and bring it with me to class tomorrow.