lost.

i'm afraid and disappointed. i'm afraid and disappointed that all my struggling, my family and friend's struggling, will be in vain. that the years of horribleness and hatred of myself were for nothing. when i first majored in psychology i did so because i knew i wanted to help prevent others go through what me, kristen, my family and friends had to. i thought that if only i could become involved somehow with treatment, research or something, that maybe all the struggling wouldn't be for nothing. that maybe i could be there for someone else when i had no one. or better yet, i could be there for someone else, and they wouldn't have to go through what i went through ever. i could prevent it all.
but, the profession i have chosen to go into, the one i thought i would able to reach this goal in, is not what i thought. so far, it's not about being real, or helping. right now its about acting and not feeling. fake and faker. i hate it, i do. i hate acting, pretending, having a script, and having some treatment tell me what to do. i hate it so much. i hate being criticized for the tiniest things. my voice, my speech, my clothes and interest in fashion and make up (i'm the one who has learned to love and take care of my body!?), my non-addiction, my incorrect and i guess inadequate mental disorder and recovery, my writing, and my opinions. i don't not feel. in fact, i feel everything times one million.
what if this isn't right for me? how will i know? can i really quit? what if i'm supposed to do this and by quitting i let people down, or even worse, i dont end up doing what i'm meant to do. what else could i do so that all of my struggling wasn't for nothing? or is the answer, that there is nothing i can do... and that's just it.
the other part of me is finally starting to admit, that maybe, just maybe this isn’t me because my eating disorder is so far gone and so not apart of my life, that maybe i wouldn’t even understand anymore. could that be possible? could it be possible that my eating disorder has nothing to do with my life anymore? and irrelevant to my future and who i'm meant to be? that, the struggling i went through almost ten years ago, is a miniscule piece me and not really a part of my big life plan? i guess it's possible. i don't know, i'm lost. seriously lost. for the second time in my life now.